ending scene

Hi, good morning.

It's a good day to write something just to make sure that I'm in a good mental condition, too.

So, some people say that mental health awareness is essential. Well said, that's true. Back then, almost every day, I cried myself out. I couldn't sleep. I have nowhere to go. No friends. All I did was lying in my bed just like a zombie. Job pressure, low salary, and toxic work environment were good enough to make me think, "I think I could end this if I fall down the stairs." Yes, I had a self-harm thought, but I have no one to tell cause I think everybody has their own burden.

It's almost been two months since I quit my job, and I found myself enjoying this life. No, I'm not thoroughly enjoying it, but it's better than last year when I had a job. You must be thinking I'm crazy cause I'm enjoying jobless life. I didn't know that being jobless could be stressful yet so fun and exciting. To be honest, I have no intention of searching for a new job. I'm happy enough with this for now. But the bad is I have no money left, lol.

Cause I seldom went home since I became a college student, my room has gone and became a storeroom. So I had to sleep in my younger sister's room, but I couldn't sleep cause it was so hot and made me sweaty. I used to sleep with an aircon but here isn't any. So after a long thought, I decided to take back my room. It took a day to moved out and arranged my things in the storeroom. My mom was quite angry when she found out that I had moved everything from the storeroom and put those in some space inside my home. Well, I didn't take that anger seriously cause I'm busy enjoying my new room. Since it is separated from the main home's building, I have some private personal space, and it's happiness since I love to be in my room all the time. 小さくても元部屋よりはるかに優れている^^

To talk about personal space, since I quit my job, I haven't meet any friends –––ah, it wasn't. I met a friend cause I bought her a birthday gift and I have to give that to her. But yeah, actually, I have no willingness to meet them, though. I have no social life. Being at home is enough, and I don't want to go outside if it's not urgent to do.

I'm not sure, but I think I'm a neat freak. I'm easily get stressed out when I see some mess. And because of this reason, I'm so angry when my younger sisters messed out things. One day, my sisters refused to return their cutleries back to the kitchen, and I was like, "is it so hard to put those back to the kitchen, you dumb fool ass," I couldn't hold my patience anymore. I'm not their housemaid, though. Then after I yelled, I poured my drinking water into their food. Since then, I have stopped speaking to them. I wonder how long it was…. I think it's been two weeks. Well, I don't care, tho. We didn't even close to each other…

Last night, after being ghosted by my boyfriend–––ah, should I called him my former boyfriend now?––– for I think almost a month with no called, no text, well I guess he's didn't care about me either. 終わるのか、続いてるのか、私もわからない。わかりたくもない...... 

자존심을 떠나 오랜만에 전화를했는데, 대답하지 않았더라ㅋㅋ 싸가지

와우...우리 사이 진짜 이미 끝났까??? 아니...끝났다면 말해. 노력하던 사람이 왜 항상 나야?

와, 재수 없다

I called him many times, but he didn't answer at all. But when I looked out for his SNS, and he looked fine…and happy. Wah, so you're alive? I thought you were already dead, man. 나 없으며 좋아보인다 너ㅋㅋ 

相互フォロワーから彼を取り除くために、ソフトブロックをした。 これ以上、彼は私のツイート見えなくなる。ごめん… これも私のため

After many ignored called, he finally picked up my call but seemed like–––yes he 'is'–––so lazy to talk to me, or are you can't speak Bahasa anymore? Should I talk in English with a British accent so you can properly answer me?

If you don't like me texting or calling you anymore, then tell me. If you think what I'm doing is wasting your time, then tell me. So I won't do that, and I'm gonna stop waiting for your text and call again. 더 이상 나를 사랑하지 않으면 알려줘... Am I the only one who is trying right now? 

No, buddy, no, don't take it wrong. I'm not angry. Who is me, dare to keep anger for someone who tried to accompany someone hopeless like me? I should be grateful. And. Yes. I am. Deep down in my heart, I always thanked him for coming into my life.

But he said he was already tired of me. Of my childish. Of my stupidity. Of my not-serious-and-light-hearted-act. 

And that wasn't the first time.

So that was your limit, weren't you?

Well, well… I have been wondered how long he could hold that patience and faced me like this. I liked you cause you're different from me, we're so different, so I like being with you. It's like water and oil. When you lighten up a candle, they'll keep the fire on.

But it is tiring and exhausting, isn't it?

To tell the truth, me too. Not only you, but I'm also tired of myself. I think all I did was the best I could, but, hurtfully it wasn't. I'm not good enough, I'm sorry. 기다림이 즐거우면 사랑이야. 사랑이지만 이제 기다리지 않아도 돼. Good for you, you don't have to wait or expect me again. I don't expect anything to, anyway. 

I'm so grateful that you have been willing to stay beside me for all this time. For the past six years, you–––should I use 'we' instead? Cause I feel that too–––must be suffering a lot. 

I'm so sorry. 

If it's tiring, 괜찮아... it's okay to rest and stop then, not gonna force or beg you to stay. If you wanna go, then go.

그동안 나 때문에 많이 괴로워 하시 나봐..그지? 고생했어.

나 너 한테 진짜 진짜 미안해, 그리고 너무 고마워서.

잘 지내.......

今まで私はお前いると幸せで自分のことしか考えて来なかった。でも今はお前幸せになって欲しい。だからもう会わない、連絡もしない…

お前を好きな人として、ずっと願ってる…お幸せに

We can call it an end, then...