정신 차려!

Wah, I think I should stop watching romance dramas.

They really made me sick.

Why I told you this.

This is because I just watched Korean dramas during quarantine days and wahhh, though I can slowly learn the Korean language, I became biased about real life and fiction. Sometimes I talked to myself in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep, “Nadia, you watched too many dramas. Get back down! 정신 차려!”

I got confused about the meaning of life and love itself.

Somewhile, I think I don’t wanna get married. Why should I spend the rest of my life only with just one person? Shared home, bed, sad, happiness, and stuff like that. Why should I? I hate that. I just wanna be like a bird. Live freely. I’m not a tree, I can move somewhere if I’m feeling kinda uncomfortable. No, that’s not I don’t love him or something like that. I'm not ready yet, I’m just afraid….상처를 받거나 다른 사람을 다치게 할까봐, 두려워

Lately, I have watched old Korean dramas, first was drama starred Kim Joon-Myeon –you may know he is usually called Suho, the leader of one of the best Korean boy groups, named EXO. And you may also know that he’s currently in the military started last month after releasing his first solo album.

OK, this is TMI. 

Let’s back to the topic.

The drama I watched was The Universe’s Star. It was a mini-drama, consisted of 6 episodes, 30 minutes long per episode. Well, the story was so classic and cliché, but it warmed my heart. The drama was about a famous singer who fell in love with his fans who died and after 7 years miraculously life again. What hurt me the most was, I'm not that special. Those things will never happen to me, obviously.

The second was a drama named Andante, which starred Kim Jong-in –you may also know him as Kai, also a member of boy group EXO. Compared to Joon-Myeon’s drama, Jong-in’s drama has a warmer feeling. I cannot believe that I cried out while watching 4 last episodes. After watched Andante, suddenly I wanna be like Jong-in in that drama, become a caregiver for the oldest or sick person. But I realized that I didn’t have basic in the medical field, but can I? 
Please......

You know I just turned 24 years old this year and I realized that the older we are, didn’t make me more “adult” and wiser. The older I am, the more I realized that there’re many things in this cruel world that I haven’t know yet. Just like, what is life? Why do I live and? I am curious about what the hell love is. And so on, and so on.

You know what, sometimes life isn't happening the way we want it to be. when you thought what you did is the best you can, but it wasn't enough. no, you actually didn't do good enough. I think I should go to the psychiatrist instead of writing this shit in the middle of the night. 

it was great at the beginning. I was so confident that everything will go well. I don't know if it would be this hard. no, no one knows. suddenly everything becomes so exhausting.

I feel quite tired, even when I'm not really struggling. At some points, I was thinking, should I stop and give up. 

So, I started to read a book, a quite famous book, named The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck by Mark Manson. I'm currently on what Manson called "Feedback Loop from Hell". I'm anxious about being anxious, which is causing more anxiety.

Then I recognized little by little that yes, not everything in this life we have to care about. Manson said we have to learn to only give a fuck about what’s truly fuck-worthy. And I'm trying to. Because every problem we have is never fucking going away, in cool language, we called it a mutation, yes, they just improved.

I’m 24 and I’m still searching what the fucking meaning of life. So what?!


P.S. Sorry, the pics I attached have no correlation, but who's cares?