마지막 인사

Sudah berkali-kali bilang, udahlah bodo amat, tapi masih kepikiran, adalah penjelmaan riil daripada aku. 

Rasa-rasanya ngga akan berhenti untuk nggak kepikiran sampai serangga-serangga berisik yang berputar-putar di dalam kepalaku ini aku tuangkan dan realisasikan dalam tulisan.

So, this is what I really wanted to say.

Well, I don't expect and never hope you will find this.

I guess you don't care anymore. It's okay. I don't expect you to care, though.

I just want to clear myself up.

Cerita ini berawal dari suatu siang, aku membaca pesan masuk di aplikasi messenger, setelah kurang lebih seminggu tidak pernah kubuka.

Ada satu pesan masuk tidak terduga, yang sekejap membawa kembali kenangan itu.

Setelah membaca pesan itu, aku membatin, 걔가 그동안 행복하게 잘 살았구나....

でもさ....メッセージで “…aku nggak tega sebenernya mau ngasih tau….”ってどういうことなのー？？気持ち悪いけど…？

Apa ya....agak ngedongkol gitu ya di hati? Could not help but felt offended, hehe.

すごく気になるけど、

聞きたいけど、

我慢してしまった

Bukan.

Bukan karena akhirnya dia menghubungiku setelah sekian tahun dighosting. 

Bukan juga karena dia bilang dia akan menikah dengan orang yang dia cintai dan orang itu bukan aku. 

Bukan. 

Bukan. 

Bukan.

Tapi apakah jangan-jangan dia berpikir hidupku dinilainya cukup memilukan sampai dia tidak tega untuk memberi kabar bahwa dia hidup bahagia dan akan terus berusaha untuk terus bahagia seterusnya?

Bisa nggak, nggak usah menghasihani aku?

Walaupun saat ini aku sendiri tidak tahu apakah aku berjalan mendekati atau menjauhi mimpiku. 

Pun aku bilang mimpi, aku sendiri masih nggak tahu mimpiku sebenernya apa. 

Walaupun saat ini aku sendiri belum bisa membedakan apa yang aku butuhkan dan apa yang aku inginkan...

Asal kamu tahu saja, aku berusaha dan berjuang untuk terus hidup dengan baik.

今までホントに頑張って生きているよ

これからも、ずーっと

Aku berusaha mengingat-ingat sejak kapan dan karena apa rasanya rasa cinta yang kami berdua miliki sedikit-demi-sedikit mulai terasa memudar dan menghambar.

사실은 이별의 시작을 점점 가까워졌어 느끼고 있었어

Honestly, I have had that feeling for a long time. 

I could feel that "spark" was not sparkling anymore. 

I could feel "that feeling" growing bigger and stronger, but I was unwilling, too afraid to admit it.

내 머리는 너무나 나빠서

너 하나밖에 난 모르고

Back then, I believed everything would be fine, and we would eventually be okay.

頑張ればきっと大丈夫だ.....と思っていた。

Awalnya aku ngerasa loh kok cuman aku yang effort? 

Aku jadi kasihan ya sama aku yang seakan-akan ngemis minta perhatiannya?

Then I just tried to stop.

But then we really stopped talking. 

We really stopped contacting each other.

One week.

Weeks change to months.

Months to years.

One simple complication, miscommunication, led to fallout.

근데....

우리 아무도 잘못한 사람 없어

이만큼 멀어져 있잖아

그냥 이렇게 된 거야

그냥 더 이상 이 사랑이 우리에게 힘이 되지 않아

Wah, jadi inikah akhir dari cerita cinta yang selalu aku bangga-banggakan itu?

그러는데....

어쩌면 내 잘못일지도 몰라

시간이 지나고 후회하는거 하나 있었어....

왜 우리는 저렇게 끝내야 하는 걸까라고 생각했어

If I have to put an end to our story, 

I hope I can end this beautifully, 

without any hate or regret, 

so we can remember our story with a smile,

So someday, if I look back, I will feel at ease.

"好きになってよかった,"

 

"다 끝났지만 행복했던 날들이었다"

"I was glad it was you. Thanks for everything,"

그런거....?

I really hope we can talk to each other like we used to for the last time. 

We could have time to clarify our misunderstanding through an open and honest two-way conversation, which we never honestly had every time we fought.

Communication was our problem, right?

I realized that I am always selfish and self-centered. 

I never dared to tell you directly about my feelings. 

No, the thought of how you will react terrifies me. 

I don't dare to listen to it in person—such a coward and pathetic of me. 

I am sorry. 

I always write.

Like I did today.

Though you may never read it.

But there was a time when I wanted to put aside my pride and just call to ask how you've been and what your day was like.

A time when I went to a good place, I want to take you there, too.

At a time when everything is so hard and unbearable, I want to hug you and cry my heart out.

A time when I wanted to tell you how my day was.

Like, "You know, after buying a 5,000-yen NCT DREAM t-shirt, I thought I would stop buying their merch, but... I can't help but buy another one. Recently, I spent a lot of money on shoes, exactly the same as Haechan's."

There was a time when I felt like I missed you.

아주 가끔은 그리워할 거야 널

사실 가끔은 아니고 자주겠지...?

아주 가끔은 눈물이 흐를 거야

I told my friend about this feeling and how I felt like crap every time I felt this.

But she said, 

"You should stop thinking about him like that. 

It's not your fault if you still sometimes think about him; remember him. 

It can't be avoided because you and him have a long story. 

But that doesn't mean you miss him. 

You just miss the moment you had someone with whom to share your joys and sadnesses, even small things. 

Coincidentally, the person you've been with the longest is him, 

so you remember him."

I deleted everything about you a very long time ago since you stopped texting or calling me again. 

 

Don't hate me, please, okay.

Cutting off every possibility and chance is one of my survival strategies once I decide to keep going and get on with life in this harsh world.

You've probably heard the phrase, "A leopard can't change its spots." 

Humans are hard to change. 

Though I want to socialize, befriend many people, and be brave enough to speak my mind out loud, I am still like this. 

Somehow, I could imagine your expression, that default expression you always make whenever I disappoint you. 

But again, you were never proud of me... I guess

Was there really a time you felt proud of me?

내 마음이 작아서 헤어진 게 다행이라고 생각하겠지?

I am okay. I am really okay.

全然大丈夫だから、ご心配なく

I write this not because I still have a feeling towards you. 

Or hope I could turn back time. 

시간을 되돌릴 수 있다해도 난 안가...않을게. 걱정마ㅋ

I have to admit that you were part of my youth. 

No. 

You were my youth. I was barely reach 18 the time I met you.

I am not good, never good at goodbye. 

But I believe it's time to say goodbye to the nights we spent discussing the future. 

To the dreams, we didn't have a chance to achieve. 

To all the things we wanted to do but couldn't even do.

사실 가끔 그리워, 옛날이

함부로 영원을 이야기했던 그순간들이

우린 이제 더는 없겠지만

그때는 재밌었잖아...그지?

지금은 난 그냥 진심이 네 행복을 바랄게

안녕, TeZ!

이게 내 마지막 인사야